The Rakanikansey tells the tale of Rakanikan's journey home from the new world. It is a tale of adventure, romance, danger, and action. The original text is long and in an arcane language - we bring you here this summary of the story.
Background
In the fifth month the Israelis tricked the enemy into bringing a colossal wooden toad within the walls of Tucson. The Tucsonans had no idea that Israeli soldiers were hidden inside, under the command of Rakanikan. That night they ripped the toad, emerged, and opened the city gates to the Israeli army. Tucson was conquered. Now it was time for Rakanikan to return to his kingdom across the sea. Here begins the tale of the Rakanikansey, as sung by the bland minstrel Hofer.
Book One
"Oh Blond Goddess of Inspiration, help me sing of wily Rakanikan, that master of schemes!" So Hofer begins his epic of Rakanikan's journey from the desert island of the nymph Teresa.
Book Two
Meanwhile, everyone assumes Rakanikan is gone for good. Zeus sends an omen of doom - two Igals (well, an Igal and a Guy) swoop down, bearing gifts and photos.
Book Three
Here our hero begins recounting his tale: "My name is Rakanikan of Herzliya, and here is my tale since setting out from Tucson. I travelled through the glistening white sands of New Mexico where great wave-like dunes of gypsum sand have engulfed 275 square miles of desert and created the world's largest gypsum dune field.
Crossing the dunes was fraught with danger as the Dunes are often inaccessible due to missile testing on the adjacent White Sands Missile Range. I barely escaped with my life.
Book Four
Runing and stumbling away, I eventually found myself in a cave full of goat pens. As I walked further I was nearly paralyzed by the thought of how or what goats would use pens for.
The goats' herdsman turned out to be as big as a barn, with glaring wooden eyes in his forehead. I was trapped!
I clung to the underside of the silver Honda given to me by the Nymph and looked back at the strange creature as I sped away from him. And still I had not evaded danger - for he had a pack of wild dogs set loose after me!
Book Five
I took shelter with the Indians of the Acoma Pueblo who reside on top of a messa in the middle of the desert. They lead a peaceful life and were kind enough to help me on my way.
The Acomans instructed me to proceed to the painted desert - only thus would I find my way home.
The sun beat down on me and the painted desert blinded me with bright colors which would normally only be seen on the regal outfits of the Queen of Drag.
At the furthest edge of the painted desert is the land to which all trees journey when they die. Here their spirits endure a petrified existence for millions of years.
The ghosts of the woods whispered of that which they feared most when they were still alive: "Fire! It is Fire that you must seek! Find the Fire Priests!"
Book Six
Indeed - a trial is no trial unless it is by fire, as they say. And I was to have my share of that as well.
The Fire was intense. The Fire Priests, dressed in strange shiny yellow suits, did not seem to want to fight it. They seemed content to pose heroically next to the Fire while others took their image using bizarre little devices which they referred to as "cameras". Indeed - this was a land of great wonders!
I took my leave of the priests. They were very criptic when I had asked them for help. All they had to say was "The Grand Can Yawn". I can yawn with the best of them, and I doubted that the Grand could actually Yawn better than me. But surely this will help me on my way home!
Before my eyes was what seemed like the gigantic butt crack pertaining to an even gigantier tradesperson who specializes in installing and maintaining systems used for potable (drinking) water, sewage, drainage, or industrial process plant piping.
The natives of these lands call such people "Plumbers".
The lady apparently had been turned to stone and was now simply called, Sedona.
I lost all hope. It seemed there was no way for me to complete my journey and return to the lands of my forefathers. I was on the brink of despair...
Book Seven
So I took the next flight back home."
Here's to more Toad Ripping in the future!
